Do not fall in love with a girl who writes

Do not fall in love with a girl who writes
She'll love you through words
She'll express it in her rhymes
But ask her to say it
And she'll deny without trying
She'll feed you love you wouldn't understand
She'll learn the way your lips move
And how your eyes change color in the sun while you sing her love songs
She won't tell you her songs, afraid they'll become yours after you're gone
And she'll keep you safe in her rhymes
Away from the lime light
As she lays down in her bed
With you on her mind
And you'll stay there safe
In the pages of the diary
No matter how you change
She'll keep that love alive
And you'll never know her love
You'll never get those lines
As she only writes them down
And you could never read her mind
Look in those eyes maybe
You'll see the love she hides
Look a little closer
Maybe you'll see the skies
Painted with your name
As she paints your picture
With beautiful words of fame
Do not fall in love with a girl who writes
She'll never ask you to stay
Look into her rhymes
There lies all the words her silence betrays
Do not fall in love with a girl who writes
For there are words she just can't say...

A forgotten autumn dream

A forgotten autumn, when everything was falling apart,
You, your dreams and my heart
Ear deafening screams
Of all the could have beens
Silenced as winter came in
And the world got dark
You and I mourned the death of the spark
Then came summer
With all its heat
I sat on the terrace
Trying to remember your heartbeat
Against my chest as you came
Running to me last spring
Out of breath, your tired eyes hadn't slept for days
Crying oh lord crying!
Setting my heart ablaze
I prayed to god that i never get to see another tear in your eye
So this fall you chose him and bid me goodbye.

And they'll never know
And they don't have to
Slow breathing matching yours
Beneath the moonlight
Under the stars
In the woods behind the fence
We made our way away from the rest
The long branches hiding our place
We move them aside and make our way
A river of diamonds and dreams and memories
The still waters pause time for eternity
You look at me and I look at you
And suddenly the stars don't even matter anymore
That's where I was and that is where I will be
In those woods and the air they hold
Hiding our story
A story that'll never be told...

The world is dying and we are still fighting over who is to be blamed

I watched in awe as the houses blew in front of their eyes and the little kids still had the faith to say ALLAHU AKBAR. There are no houses now. Just debris of forgotten people and dreams. The tired eyes wait for it to end while we sit and watch. And ignore. Because we have better things to worry about like tonight's dinner or the sale in the shopping mall. We have bigger reasons to cry about like not having the latest iphone and how your boyfriend wouldn't text you back. You sit for dinner with a table full of people and complain about the food being a little too spicy and how your siblings are such an annoyance and how your parents are always fighting and how you can't wait to move out, while the four year old boy is already a parent taking care of his little sister, wondering where his parents are?
We watch and we ignore because well, it isn't happening to us, or around us. They suffer and endure and have faith. And we sit and complain and complain and complain. Today as you read this, I want you to think about all the blessings that you take for granted, I want you to think about all the times you complained like you were entitled to royalty, like you earned all of it. I want you to take a moment to say Alhumdulillah for all the blessings that you have and many others don't, not because they are bad people, but because Allah chose them for that test. I want you to realize how lucky you are to have a home to go to and people you can call family. We all need a little reminder every once in a while so I hope this is it . I urge everyone who reads this to take two minutes out of their ever busy schedule to pray for Aleppo and if not that, I hope that tonight when you sit for dinner there's a sincere sense of gratitude for having everything you never asked for, everything you probably don't even deserve.

-Bushra Shaikh

And sometimes she would just look at the sun and smile, like you would smile at an old friend, like they had a secret of their own. I was almost jealous but mostly curious. Maybe it wasn't about the sun, maybe it was a memory the sun witnessed and I didn't. Maybe they remininsed it every once it a while. Or maybe she just loved sun sets. I'll never know. But the when she looks at it, it's like the time has paused for her little moment. For that little moment her smile is genuine. It holds all the innocence in the world. And sometimes we all need moments like those. To breathe. To remember. To be human.

Choosing The One

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ 
- [30:21]
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.

We have a pretty messed up idea about love; butterflies and fireworks and roses and balloons. The idea of love in Islam is SO much more deeper than that. The person you love shouldn't give you the feeling of being on a roller coaster 24×7. It should be their hand that'd give you the feeling of safety on that roller coaster. When you choose a spouse, look beyond the face, the bank balance and the car. Look at the heart, the thoughts, the deen. When the initial attraction, the "crazy in love" phase ends, what remains is the love, the respect you have for each other. How strong your bond is and what exactly is it based on. If your love is directly proportional to the number of dinner dates and cute texts you get, you're headed for some serious dissappointment. Because after the "crazy in love" phase, there's work to do. She has a house to take care of and he has work to do, to sustain that house. What remains is the care, the affection you have for them. Will she happily cancel her friday night plan cause you had to work overtime and came back  home  too tired to even ask her how her day was? Is she considerate enough to take your office bag from you with a smile and let you sleep peacefully without throwing a fit? And when you are too tired to even open your eyes to make him breakfast because the baby kept you up all night, will he still leave with a kiss on your sleeping face? And when you are being unnecessarily difficult because of all the stress and all the lack of sleep, will he be patient and  thoughtful? Will he still take you in his arms to calm you down? It all comes down to loving the difficult parts of each other. The part that makes us flawed; human. It all comes down to accepting the fact that your partner isn't perfect and that's perfectly fine. It all comes down to loving each other in spite of all the difficulties, to helping each other be the best version of themselves. It all comes down to being the comfort that Allah made us for them, to being their one safe place in this flawed flawed world. 

But do you know how it feels to be chosen after every one else? After they've seen and felt and experienced everything with others. After everything. Like a last resort. Like a back up plan. Forget being a second choice. Do you know how it feels to be the last choice? The one they keep returning to, after breaking you into pieces. After shattering your dreams. After making fun of all the love you had inside of you. After destroying you. What does this say about you then, except the fact that you are utterly stupid and blind and pathetically in love with someone who doesn't value it, someone who never can?

Wondering Out Loud

Don't you miss me, a little, when the camera's not around?

Don't you miss me, when you're away from the crowd?

Don't you miss me, when you miss your laugh?

Don't you miss me, or think of our silly talks?

Don't you miss me, when there's no lime light?

Don't you miss me, or how it all felt so right?

Don't you miss me, when nobody understands?

Don't you miss me, at least when you need a helping hand?

Don't you miss me, now that you're gone?

Don't you miss me, in the hours before dawn?

Don't you miss me, is that why you chose this path?

Don't you miss me, no loneliness does my absence cast?

Don't you miss me, now that you've parted our ways?

Don't you miss me, does it not hurt to be away?

Don't you miss me, now that we've put up a wall?

Don't you miss me, a little?

Don't you miss me at all?

Cause I miss you a little, a little more than lot...

In a land of perpetual monsoon, where the cold never left and people constantly looked at each other with suspicious eyes, like their faith in humanity was lost, she was the sun that kept everyone warm. She'd never doubt you. Her faith in you would encourage you to have faith in yourself. She'd talk to you like you were a long lost friend. She'd talk to you like you were worth being heard. Like your dreams, your sadness mattered. Like YOU mattered. Something about the way she made them feel spoke volumes about herself. She'd never talk about herself. She'd always listen no matter how many times she already heard it. She could take away your sorrow. Make you believe like some magic's about to happen and spin your world around. She could make you believe in all things beautiful. And even though the rain always tried to drown her light, her smile was enough to win the fight.

And I have always loved you, unconsciously before, like a kid in love with a book. A book she carries with her wherever she goes, I carried you in my heart, across the cities, over the seas. They tell me of all the loves that couldn't be. I doubt love and love the stories instead. Real people I tell myself. Real stories. So much chaos and so many faces, yet none I want to see. Always detached, I didn't know what to feel, until our eyes did meet and right there all my unrest siezed. I see those stories in your eyes and pray, let us not be another couldn't be. Cause I have always loved you, in spite of all those stories, those tragedies, like the shore loves the sea, in spite of all those times it leaves. And I have always loved you, like the wolf loves the moon, in silence, from a distance, never noticed. How sometimes she shined full and bright and how it couldn't hold back its delight. How every time I saw you, it made me smile. How everytime you were around, the world seemed too good to be true. And I have always loved you...

Answers

I stand at the shore, sending puffs of smoke in the air in hopes of getting an answer. I stand there for the longest time talking to the rocks, the sea, the wind. Telling them stories no one wants to hear. She would. She would always listen no matter how ridiculous it was. I stand there telling them about her and how beautiful she was. How her eyes were deeper than this sea and how her touch was more comforting than this wind and how in spite of all the love and softness, she was strong. Stronger than I was. I smoke some more expecting her to see these puffs from the stars she now lives with, and rescue me like she always did. "This is not the answer!", she'd tell me. She'd always have the answer. She always had the words to comfort people. I wonder where she went when she needed comfort? Did she go to the waters, like I did? Or the woods? Or to people?
I take out my phone and open her profile which now had no user.
"Find comfort in your prayer mat and you'll never have to look for it again", read her last status.
Again, she had the answer. 

Your eyes that only hold her vision

Your eyes hold questions I have no answer for.
Your eyes, that are searching, searching always for her.
Your eyes that long for something I'm not, something I'll never be.
Your eyes, deep like the sea.
Your eyes that are always dreaming, no matter what time.
Your eyes, paying with their death for God alone knows what crime.
Your eyes, that hold stories I don't want to know.
Your eyes, that hold sadness greater than they show.
Your eyes, full of love that's not for me.
Your eyes, that tell me we could never be.
Your eyes, screaming it's always been her.
Your eyes, sick and I'm not the cure.
Your eyes, I get lost into.
Your eyes, that themselves seem lost.

I talked to God about you, but this time I prayed for myself

I talked to God about you. About how much I love you and how sad you make me. About how much I care and how careless you are. About all the shit you put me through and you still have more of it to throw at me. How I can't sleep at night anymore cause you've messed my head so bad. How I crave sleep. How I crave peace. How I'm tired of giving and tired of you. How it hurts so much that I do not want you anymore. How I want to leave so desperately and I can't. How I want him to seperate our paths in a way it'll never overlap, not in this world at least. 

Yesterdays

Sometimes the sun isn't bright enough and those are the days I miss you the most and the place we grew up in was under the constant shade of the sun. It almost never left. We did. That place. Our childhood. That sun. We left it all behind. And there's no going back. I wish there was. I really wish there was. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we didn't leave that city, if things hadn't gone wrong, would you fight for me then? Would you stay? The nights when I haven't exhausted myself enough, are the hardest. I miss the sound of your laugh so much, my heart aches in a way it never did before and I almost dial your number. Almost. Some nights I go through your photographs wondering where I lost the boy I loved, ever since I knew what love was. Where exactly did it all change? Was it the winter we left the town? Or the summer we actually ended it? Or the spring where it began again? Or it never did? I'll never know. How did we grow up so fast that we didn't realize we were growing apart? We said I LOVE YOUS a lot, but did we live them? I liked it better when we didn't say it. Back when we were young and together, cause back then we lived it. We were happy and innocent and perfect. I liked it better when we didn't have a phone to call each other and we had to wait until we met again to solve our fights. Now we have our phones and we wait for calls that'll never come, words we'll never say. I liked it better when it wasn't so easy to talk and it wasn't so easy to misunderstand. But we still dream, dreams that'll never be and hold on to people who never stay. Because we are just humans holding onto moments that gave us love, even when the person we lived it with, leaves. I wonder if the sun still shines the same where you live and I wonder if your smile has changed. I wonder if you feel something when someone says my name. I wonder if you sleep well.
I liked my little world back in that city where the sun almost never left but time doesn't stop, doesn't warn and in no time we've lost it all...

Where we went wrong

And when everything was said and done and over and lost, we still hadn't said the words we should have. We fought and fought and misunderstood and mispoke. We loved each other and we broke each other. We didn't do the mending. That's where we went wrong. We exhausted ourselves in the wrong things, so we never had the time or energy to say the right words.
Don't leave people you love with bad words, with hateful stuff. Don't let them go to sleep crying. Your love has to be greator than your pride. It has to. Your love has to be forgiving. Kind. Graceful. Pure. Your love has to be selfless. Don't try to get the last word. Throw in the words that you know are going to hurt. Don't. Don't throw their mistakes, their pasts at them. Don't wound them with your words and watch them break. Don't do that to someone you claimed to love.

-Bushra Shaikh

But the sun still shines as bright as it did before he left and the moon still changes shapes everyday and the flowers still sends love back and forth between people and the birds haven't stopped exploring the sky, maybe just maybe it isn't that bad after all?

Beautifully Destructive

My dad always told me, "Man is more dangerous than an animal." He told it in a despicable tone. Like something that didn't deserve a medal, something we shouldn't be proud of, even though people acted like it was. I understand his words now. And it perhaps is the most valuable advice I ever got. When you see a lion, you know you should be scared, you know you should run, you know it could kill you. But with a human, you can never tell. You'll never know when they decide to tear you apart. You seldom have the time to run, and even when you do, you're not sure if you should. And its not before they completely destroy you, that you realize you should have run when you had the time. But you can't stop wondering how someone so beautiful, so human could such a damage. Some people my friend, are like forest fires; terrifyingly beautiful and destructive at the same time.

& he's going to abuse that four letter word until you can't decide what it means anymore. 

Cause all people see is what you show
 & she?
 She had the most beautiful smile to throw!

But you still haven't learned the art of holding fragile things
         So pardon me, my love, my heart belongs to softer hands.

If Your Claim Of Love Was True

If you love them or loved them. If you really loved them, you'd pray for them. You'll pray to Allah to heal them while they hurt you. You'll pray to Allah to build them while they broke you. You'll pray for them to find peace while you search for it. And amidst all of this, the angels will say Ameen and for you as well. And you'll find all the things you prayed for them. And things even better. This Ramadan, forgive. Forgive everyone that's ever hurt you. Forgive those who forgot to apologise. Forgive and pray for forgiveness. And In sha Allah, Allah will forgive you. Be a good person and do not seek the reward from anyone but your Lord. You'll find it with him. I promise, you'll only find it with him.

I climb up the terrace and look at the city. Our city once, just mine now. The lights make the night less dark sadly not my life. I look at the city that seems so quiet in the dept of the night hiding so much pain. So much love. Love creating storms within us, walking grenades, not exploding. We've mastered the art of self destruction, somehow our grenades destroy just us, without a noise. Walking wreckage plastered with the most beautiful smiles. Our generation. The one with the best technologies. Where can we exchange our hearts please? Tonight I'll allow myself to be weak, to shed some tears. The night is kind. Silent. Non judgemental. I don't know how many nights I've spend shedding tears, but I'm greatful the moon could keep a secret. The sun needs smiles. The sun opens people's eyes only to question the pain in some one else's. Not bothered. Just curious. Just an amuse. Just a story to quench their bored minds. When night comes those same eyes turn away without looking twice, to have their peace. To let down their disguise. To be the wreck that they've become. Cause when daylight comes, it's time to be human again.

She hopes of flying with broken wings
He could cripple her heart, 
                                    Not her dreams...

She's the kind of girl who always carries a book in her bag, just in case she needs to get lost. 

Once upon a time, he wanted to live for me

It's a sober spring afternoon. We go to the bridge in the garden behind my house to watch the sun kiss the waters goodbye. He isn't his happy self today. His eyes hold a story. I wait for it.
"People say 'I'd die for you', like it's even romantic." He spits his words disgusted. His brown eyes burning with some grief unknown.
"I watched my mother after he died.", he says slowly.
"My father. Died for her they say. It was love they say. Or maybe he chose the easy way out. I'd never know..." He's holding the railing of the bridge, his tendons visible by the pressure of the grip. "I watched her suffer every single day with the agony of losing him. Why should someone else carry the blame of his cowardice? Dying for someone!" He says the line last with his teeth clenched. With so much anger, so much pain, it's almost scary.
"& what happens after you die for someone? You die and put them through hell! How can you be okay with hurting someone you claim to love?" I've never seen him talk so much. He turns, the fire his gaze holds soften as I see myself in his eyes. Burning amber melting into the soft chocolate brown I loved. Deep. Gentle. Holding love greator than the pain they've seen. He holds my face every so gently, his thumb tracing my cheekbone and says, "Is it wrong if I say, I want to live for you?"

"You don't talk about him, do you?"
My head spins and my heart screams your name as if you were the only "him" it knew.
"No, I don't." I say avoiding his eyes.
"You should, you know? Maybe you'd feel better."
I laugh. "Better." My eyes full of tears.
"Maybe I could help?" He says hopefully.
"I'm afraid if I talk about him, I'd go back to where I was that night. Sad. Broken. Alone. I'm afraid the darkness would drown me. I'm afraid, this time, I won't remember how to swim."

About Love

He looks at her like she's the only girl in the room. He looks at her like nobody else is worth looking at, at all. He looks at her like people look at the stars or like peopl look at art. He looks at her, like she's beauty. He looks at her like she's magic. Like she's hope. Something about the way he looks at her makes me want to be her, or at least see her, the way he does. Maybe its something about her that gravitates his eyes towards her, holding them there? Or maybe its something about him, the way he loves her, that makes you believe that love exists. And it probably looks like this. Like maybe someday someone will look at you like you're their personal heaven on earth and maybe just maybe you'll then realize, it wasn't about him & it wasn't about her, it was about love. Love that they shared.

I screamed "I Love You's" in ways you'll never know
                                   &
choked on the blame as the one who let go...

Let It Go

Life's good...when you decide to look beyond the horizon, when you try to enjoy the dark tunnel instead of anticipating the light at the end. When you decide to breathe not because you have to but because you need it to see your loved ones living. When you decide to forgive because they don't care anyway and because you can't change it. When you decide to leave not because you can't stay but because you want to find something better. When you decide to design the missing pieces to your jigsaw. When you smile because the sun rose and the day is beautiful without him. When you decide he was a mistake and a mistake is supposed to teach you not to fail at it again and the pain is due to the failure and not because he was worth it. When you finally decide to find the silver lining in the cloud.

It's all a facade
All a lie
They tell you it's love
While you feel like dying....

"I Love You." he says.
"Okay!" she laughs,
                                & something about her bitter laugh sings dark tales...tales she won't say.

Cause I'm a closed book
full of convulated poetry & prose
              & YOU
              have never been a fan of reading...

 -and that is why you never knew me

-Bushra Shaikh

Insecure Residences

You can make homes out of people and make it your new address. You can get used to sleeping in his arms and waking up to his smile. You can memorize the freckles on his face and know the stories behind his scars. You can paint your room the color of his eyes and have the curtains the color of his hair. But you can't put a padlock on his heart and securely live within holding the key. You can't help it when he decides her smile is better than yours and brown isn't his favorite eye color anymore. You can make homes out of people, but not permanent ones.

Bleeding Love

Its like a mirror maze, your love, except that the mirror too, is deceitful. Just like you. I stand in front of it & it shows your face. Your smile mocking my pathetic condition. I see you all around and hit every mirror trying to get to you. I run towards you like a mad man runs after the desert mirage, only to end up more thirsty and broke than before. I clash with your smile and fall down on the pieces. You're still smiling. I'm still bleeding. I need to find a way out, but everytime I try to leave, you smile again & I know I'd bleed to death for that smile of yours!

Stories you'll never know

Tonight there's a war in her head. The thoughts of love and pain colliding. The inability to hate. The inability to forget. A battle between forgiving and leaving. The chaos is maddening. Her head is the battleground, her heart the victim. And he, he is safe and breathing soft, like the war wasn't in his name. Tonight her tears are the ink and her pillow is the paper. Tonight her pillow has more stories, than her rhymes ever will. 

Taken Away

& after all the chaos & all the noises that scream & drown me in their lies, I pack all my childhood dreams, pack everything I ever believed in, & leave. I pack the plastic doll my mother gave me when I was 6, I remember how everyone wanted to be like her. I didn't understand it then, her eyes didn't shine like my sister's & her smile wasn't warm like my mother's & her arms weren't as strong as my father's. I didn't see beauty. I realize now, what they meant. I see now they are all like her - fake, fragile, tangible. I remember one tired night I cried & the doll on the shelf just watched, like these plastic people. I see the resemblance now. I pack the various birthday cards I got, paper full of feelings more than a human had today. Feelings perhaps long forgotten by the giver, but forget I couldn't. I thought that's what made me vulnerable, the inability to forget, the tendency to hold on until my hands bled. I pack the wrapper of the chocolate you gave me when I was 16 and how I madly believed in love. I pack the photograph of a boy who promised to always be there for me. I pack it with tears that won't stop as I run alone. I take everything I've left of me, every last hope & run. I run before they can snatch the pieces of my heart & scribble their desires on it. I run before they can prove wrong every last thing I ever believed it. I run too fast. I run too far.

"She left too soon." I hear them cry at the hospital.
No just in time, I close my eyes. 

What I Built Broke Me

Your eyes hold the universe & I get lost in them. I swim through its depth & look for my name. The sadness it holds drowns me. "I love you.", I say, "I love you.", it echoes. You don't blink an eye. So I look through your soul. My name? My name? I find your heart in pieces, pieces I pick. The sharp edges prick. Bruised and broken, I make you whole. "I love you," I say "Look at me". You see past me, so I look into your heart, the heart I want to claim, stained in my blood, it still spells her name. 

The Wind and The Air

We sit on the terrace of grandma's old house, amongst the fields, looking at the stars. He tells me about the girl he loved. He tells me how they went on long drives and how she sang for him and how her laugh was his favorite song. I wonder if she looks like me. I wonder if she was prettier. He tells me how her brown eyes shined in the sunlight and how they watched so many sunsets together at the beach. Blue waters, soft and happy kissing their feet. Happy times, he says. She had dimples, he says. Definitely prettier, I think. He looks at me and smiles. I gulp at what his gaze does to me. His eyes look sad. But I'm glad she left, he says. I look at him in confusion. He touches his index finger on the space between my creased brows. I try to relax, realising my expression gives away too much. He chuckles. "She was the wind, just meant to touch me and leave, you are the air I need to survive." he says, his eyes burning into mine. "She showed me what I thought love was. You proved both of us wrong. Love isn't just long drives and thoughtless promises and laughs. Love is tears. Love is pain. Love is sacrifice. Love isn't just sharing all the happy moments. Love is living the sad moments together, giving hope. Staying. Just staying."

Mindless Dreaming

I'm trying to save your smile in our memories that blur
I'm trying to treasure the traces of what we were
I'm trying to look for some truth in your lies
I'm trying to find a little love in your eyes
I'm trying to figure out if you were really mine
I'm trying to read in between the lines
I'm trying, I'm trying
I'm trying to believe your lies, your excuses
I'm trying to prove how love never loses
I'm trying to ignore the bruises painted with your name
I'm trying not to burn in your flame
I'm trying to beautify the scars
I'm trying to reignite the sparks
I'm trying to swallow all your bad remarks
I'm trying not to collapse in the dark
I'm trying not to let love depart
I'm trying to imagine you with a heart...